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Interview with the Evil Scientist

Posted by Kristen Selleck on October 21, 2012 at 1:50 AM Comments comments (0)

This is a repost of the interview from Immortal Storm author Heather Bserani's website at: http://heatherbserani.webs.com/authorinterviews.htm


Just in case any of you all missed it ;) (and yes, I AM amazing and dynamic, thanks for noticing, Heather!)



 

Kristen Selleck - Best Selling Author of the Birch Harbor Series

 

I was lucky enough to squeeze into Ms. Selleck's busy schedule.  She has been tremendously busy working on a multitude of things and I am honored to say that she found the time to squeeze in a little Q & A right before the release of her second novel in the Birch Harbor Series (Abraham's Men).  She has confirmed the release date as 10/28/12 so mark that on your calendars and get ready to head over to amazon!  For now, you can tide yourself over with her debut novel, Asylum.  You can get that one at this link!

 

For those of you who haven't read Ms. Selleck's blog (I highly suggest you do!) let me fill you in a bit.  She is a modern day evil scientist who is beyond brilliant and hysterical to boot.  If you mosey on over to her page, you could easily spend hours there lol-ing...don't believe me, check it out!

 

 Now that you have finished cyber-meeting one of the coolest people I know, sit back and relax while I pick her brain a little for you!  Here are some of the cool things she shared with me while we chatted:

 

1. Why ghost stories? I would have imagined a mad-scientist such as yourself would have chosen sci-fi, so what is it about ghosts that inspires you?

 

I think it's that ghost stories were such a big part of my childhood. My brothers and I loved hearing them, and my Dad and my uncles could sure tell them. They told us stories about their childhood home in Flint, Michigan which they all claimed was haunted. It seemed like when they'd get together, they'd all try to out-do each other with how much they could scare us kids. They'd tell us stories about how the house was built on an indian graveyard, how there were bones mixed in with the concrete in the basement, ghosts that talked to them and ordered them to pull pranks on their sister, how my grandpa used convict labor to build the place, how one of the prisoners died there-- I mean, the kind of stuff that would probably make other adults laugh but gave us the chills.

 

I had one uncle in particular that could REALLY tell a story, make you feel like you were living it. He seemed to know the theatrics of story-telling innately. His voice would get quieter when he told you the scariest parts, so that you'd lean in on the edge of your seat. And he appeared so deadly in earnest that you'd never think to doubt him for a minute. One of my favorite stories he ever told was about an old, old abandoned warehouse down near Atlanta that he'd rented to throw a Halloween Party. The place, he told us, had been used during the civil war by the confederate army. As he told this story, he described the costumes of the people who came, and how he had first started to notice strange things as they were setting up for the party. It was so good! So real because of all the small details he 'remembered'. He built it and built it, and by the time the end of the story came, when he was leaving the building and he glanced over his shoulder and saw the face of a young confederate soldier in the window...I physically got chills. I didn't want that to be the end. I wanted a part two, I wanted him to make up a story about how he went back there and saw something else. I'm an adult and he told that story so well, I still think it might have been at least a little bit true, I'll never know for sure. I wanted to make people feel that way someday!

 

But don't count me out of writing a sci-fi just yet. I have a sci-fi story arc that I someday plan on getting to, probably after I get the Birch Harbor Series done.

 

2. Are your characters based on real people? Do you find it helps or hinders your writing to base fiction on reality?

 

Eh. I guess you could kind of say they're based on real people. I take little things I notice from many different people and piece them together in a character. They're very Frankensteined,

 

Does it help to base fiction on reality? Absolutely it makes the characters a lot realer to you, you have reference points, you know how people with these traits really react in situations. I think it kind of works against you with readers right now though. You start assigning a person flaws and faults, odd habits, etc.-- they might seem more real to you, but the pool of readers that can connect to them grows a little smaller. YA takes a lot of flack for churning out stock cookie cutter characters without too much identity. I'm not bashing the genre, you've still got some great writers in it putting out quality characters, but if you look at what's selling the best, it's not generally about original people inhabiting the stories. I get that. If you take a look at a book like Wuthering Heights, Catherine and Heathcliff weren't people you related to really, were they? They were both a couple of bastards that you wouldn't really want to hang out with. If it was told from one of their viewpoints, how much would it have resonated with readers? Not as much as it did being told from the viewpoint of the housekeeper who one very much likes and feels comfortable with. But I'm pretty new, I'm still learning the craft. I'm getting closer to striking a good balance.

 

3. How do you manage to write a sequel in under a year? Do you write every day, or do you write in fits and spurts when inspiration hits?

 

I don't sleep much. I'm a senior medical scientist all day long, and sometimes part of the evenings and weekends as well. When I come home, I've got two little boys to feed, wash, teach, listen to and generally try to build into thoughtful, noble, and productive men. That takes a lot of time and energy. When I write, it's after everyone is asleep. I generally set aside the hours between ten and two for that, and then get up at seven and start again. So I do write just about every night. Sometimes I get a lot done, sometimes I just research, and sometimes I listen to music and spend way too much time surfing the web.

 

4. Can you tell us a little bit about your upcoming novel, Abraham's Men and does it have a release date?

 

Abraham's Men is a bit different stylistically then Asylum, much more character-driven. I really wanted to spot-light the growth of the relationship between Chloe and Seth, and the growth Chloe undergoes in particular. I think It's important to lay this kind of groundwork in a series so that readers become more invested in the characters, they've got history with them. Most readers can emphasize with Chloe as she's building this new home and discovering how to balance her life goals and build a strong relationship with the guy she loves. Because they have this history with the character, it's a lot easier to stay empathetic when she's being tormented by evil spirits and attacked by members of a secret cult later on.

 

5. Since we are such adoring fans, can you give us a hint of what's to come in the third installment to the Birch Harbor Series?

 

Absolutely. You can look forward to the most action-packed opening of a book that I've ever written. You're going to see Chloe's mom a lot more in the third book, and the plot-line will return to the characters investigating the American history of Abraham's Men. In particular, the details of a fictional rendition of Thomas Story Kirkbride. Keep reading! It's going to get even better.

 

 Like I said, one of the coolest people I know.  Her books are as amazing and dynamic as she is, so head on over to amazon and download her book Asylum and reserve your copy of Abraham's Men today!


Abraham's Men

Posted by Kristen Selleck on January 5, 2012 at 11:05 PM Comments comments (0)

Greetings to my Labrats, Minions, and Asylumites!


Well, what can I say?  December was a good month for evil scientists...who also write. Thousands upon thousands of copies of Asylum were downloaded during the free promotion around Christmas.  If that doesn't start the old word-of-mouth machine, then I'm back to kidnapping and read-by-force tactics...



"Oh my sodding glazzies!  I can't viddy no more of this strack, oh my brother!"


So I've had the question put to me a couple of times lately...when's the next one coming out?  Well, right now we're aiming for an early October release for the next book in the series...Abraham's Men.  Yes, the Birch Harbor series will continue this year.  (I'll even tell you that I'm three chapters in and loving every minute of it.  You won't believe what Seth's been up to over summer break!)


Anyhow--I also wanted to thank everyone for the kind encouragement I've gotten through emails, reviews, and facebook.  It's such an amazing feeling to hear how much someone likes your story...as opposed to how terrified people are of your death-ray or cyborg army.


So anyhow...in the meantime...here's a little something to keep you occupied until October:

EXTRACT AND GROW YOUR OWN DNA AT HOME!!!!!

The Coolest Trick to Impress Druken Friends at the Bar that the World Has Ever Known!

Posted by Kristen Selleck on July 9, 2011 at 1:15 AM Comments comments (1)

Alright, damnit.



Every once in awhile, the pressure to use my amazing amount of awesomeness to do something good for mankind gets to me... and I crack.  This does not happen often, so pay attention.



I'm about to tell you how to make drunk people think you're the coolest person that they've ever met.

Step one-- you have to smoke.  Not just because it makes you look cool (face it, even if you're a badass to begin with you look twice as cool smoking a cigarette.)

(Case in point)


But also because it's necessary to make this trick look completely unplanned.



Second, find a way to turn the conversation to scientific principles.  It isn't hard when everyone's been drinking-- "Yeah, I know, Denise looked really hot in that miniskirt the other night.  Hey-- you know what's super cool? Gravity!"



Third-- and here's where it gets technical-- smoke your cigarette to the butt.  Now, pull out your cigarette pack and you know the cellophane that covers the bottom portion of the pack?  Pull this out so that there's about an inch of space between the bottom of the pack and the bottom of the cellophane wrapper, this is now a vacuum.  Lay the pack on it's side.  Now, using the cigarette, touch the ember lightly to the top of the cellophane wrapper, burning a tiny hole.  Put the cigarette butt out in the ash tray, and remove the paper from the filter.  Roll the paper tightly and use it to plug the hole you just made in the cellophane.  Next, use a lighter to light the rolled paper on fire where it sticks out of the hole.  Blow the flame out quickly.  Finally, watch the amazement on your friends faces as the smoke cascades down in a waterfall and pools at the bottom of the cellophane, because all things, even smoke, falls due to gravity when there's no air to hold it up.




Now, bask in the adoration of drunks, and don't say I never did anything for you.

Sensory Deprivation Tank 'ed'...

Posted by Kristen Selleck on March 21, 2011 at 10:25 PM Comments comments (0)

Yes alright, I know, I know.  It's been awhile since I blogged.  I have a decent enough excuse - I just started a new job in a new lab, and there's a steep learning curve (aka, I now have duties in addition to pressing the start button on an analyzer.) Anyhow, I promised a few readers who knew what I've been up to as of late that I'd blog about it, so here goes:



So anyhow, you may not know that evil scientists have a certifying agency.  That's right, we all like to keep a long collection of random numbers and letters after our names and in order to do that, we have to hold certain certifications which involve us having to take online courses and go to conferences to earn these stupid little vouchers known as CE credits(I think it stands for Continuing Evil).  We even have to take these stupid little quizzes to show that we're retaining information.  Here's a sample question:


1. World Domination is _________

(a). Very important

(b). Not that important, there are still episodes of Family Guy I haven't seen on Hulu.

(c). All of the above.


You see what I mean?  Tricky, aren't they?  So there I am, completing a course on the history of evil science when I came across a chapter on John C. Lilly.  In a nutshell - dolphin communication, psychedelic drugs, aaaaaaaand... the study of the nature of consciousness using something called a sensory depravation or isolation tank.  Now sure, the idea of using dolphins as minions was intriguing, but what really threw me was the isolation tank.  Basically it's a big metal coffin that contains water super-saturated with epsom salt. (so anything would float in it.) You shut yourself in and float.  No light, no noise, and since you're floating, you really can't feel anything either,  If you've never seen Altered States, here's a visual for you:



okay, never freaking mind. This stupid blog program won't let me add a pic. (seriously i should just give up and go to wordpress... but i digress.) Just google it.  So John C. Lilly took a bunch of drugs and tripped out a bunch of times. (and another random tangent -  wouldnt it suck to be his research assistant?  You'd be standing there with a towel like "oh, you saw the cosmos. uh-huh. purple monkey spit dripping from the ceiling.  Sure I'm writing this down, just like I'm sure you'll remember this all tommorrow.")



I don't know what was so intriguing about this, but I had to try it (WITHOUT the massive amounts of LSD, or whatever the heck they were on.  I mean seriously, how is that science?  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the drugs had more to do with your altered mental state then the isolation tank, Dr. Lilly.)  and it turns out there's a sensory dep. place not far from the house.  So I went. (but I took my best friend, because let's face it- It's a little creepy, right?)  Let me just tell you, the hardest part is working yourself up to close the door, because once you do, you're on your own.  Just naked in this pitch black little space filled with warm water.  For the first thirty or so minutes I'm floating, and I can't really relax because all I can think about is that this is all very comfortable.  So comfortable, and the water's warm and salty and what if... what if the person before me just took a leak or something?  What if the timer was broken, and I know the guy said that music was supposed to come on when your time's up... but what if mine doesn't work?  How freaking long have I been in here?  Is that a light?  It looks like a tiny dim light but it moves whenever I try to freaking look at it.  Like a damn firefly or something.  I'm freaking out.  Am I freaking out?  Oh God, I just stopped breathing.  There it goes again.  What if I'm asleep right now?  The guy said people fall asleep all the time, and it's okay, you won't drown or anything.  How do I know I'm not asleep right now?  I could be.  How long have I been in here?  I can't feel my body at all.  It's gone numb.  If I fart it'll be like a hot tub. A stinky hot tub. I should be, like, meditating or something.  Ohhhh gaaaa, my eye itches, but if I touch it it'll sting because of all the salt water.  I am not getting out.  I don't want to wuss out.  Meghan's probably over there in her tank all "ahhhhhhh... how relaxing." and if I get out I'll be a damn wuss. (By the way, Meghan's 8 months preggo and had to get out to pee like ten times and was sitting in her tank thinking pretty much the same thing.)  And then the music came on.  And it didn't seem like two hours.



So I dunno.  I guess everything is worth trying once, but I dont think I'll be making a repeat trip anytime soon.  Now, dolphin communication on the other hand...

WATCH OUT FOR THAT-- oh man, sorry about that particle beam, Anatoli.

Posted by Kristen Selleck on February 25, 2011 at 1:49 AM Comments comments (1)

Anatoli Bugorski-- proving that Russians are so effing hardcore that they will facebutt a particle beam.

 


This is just one of those wierd true things that you want to know about... trust me!

 


In 1978, soviet scientist Anatoli Bugorski was eating a taco bell beefy five-layer burrito, when a dollop of seasoned ground beef-like material and sour cream, dripped into the particle accelerator.  Thinking quickly, Anatoli stuck his head into the accelerator, (no, not really, he was checking some kind of failed mechanism).  What followed was later described by Anatoli as a 'flash brighter than a thousand suns' as the proton beam, traveling close to the speed of light, pierced through his face and out the back of his head.

 


Amazingly, he reported that he felt no pain.  He was taken to a clinic in Moscow so that doctors could observe his expected demise.  After absorbing (reportedly) several hundred times the amount of radiation it would take to kill a person, they expected the end to come quickly.  However, no one remembered to tell Anatoli to die, so instead of keeling over he got up and had a sandwich. He's still living.  And except for some seizures and a partial paralysis of his face, he still enjoys physics and taco bell.

 


This is all true, you can wiki it.  It may be hard to visualize how someone could stick their head in a particle accelerator, but it was Soviet Russia.  It was probably made out of refridgerator magnets and duct tape and powered by a monkey on a bicycle, so safety restrictors?  Forget about it, Vladimir.  

 


On an interesting sidenote, another effect of the accident was a bizarre change to his appearance.  When one looks directly at Mr. Bugorski, the right side of his face has the normal, wrinkled appearance of an elderly man, while the left side of his face is apparently 'frozen in time' and hasn't aged a day since the accident. 

 


Now I'm an evil scientist, so your line of thought might not travel the same direction as mine, but to me this poses several interesting scenarios.  First, we might finally be able to rid the world of Zombie Joan Rivers (we might be able to convince her to stick her face in a particle accelerator.  I mean so far, the survival rate is 100%, (we're one for one)) Second, what if we did convince Zombie Joan Rivers to stick her head in there, and instead of her head exploding, dying of radiation poisoning, or just gaining the ability to keep a youthful appearance without surgery-- what if she gained super powers?  What if she became a flying Joan Rivers with eyes that shot lazers?  Third, do you think the other scientists ever refered to him as Two-face?  "Holy Sputnik, someone call Batman, Two-face has escaped Arkham Asylum again and-- ohhhhh, snap, sorry Anatoli."

 


At any rate, it's another interesting tidbit that you can bring out at random times to impress less informed people.

The Evil Scientist's Guide to a Relatively Good Marriage

Posted by Kristen Selleck on February 2, 2011 at 8:51 PM Comments comments (0)


"Look, when I said I wanted to spend more time together, I didn't mean that you should move the bed into the lab!"




Let's face it--If there's a marriage with a more difficult adjustment period than a muggle-wizard union, it's the joining together of an evil scientist and a non-evil civilian.


Sure, at first your significant other was probably enamored of your quirks.  He or she found you 'unique' or perhaps 'quaint'.  It's easy to think this.  They had probably never been picked up for a date in a van with a deathray on it before.


And then you tied the knot, and the next thing you know, your 'cute' little habits have become majorly annoying personality flaws.  (Or, like that one time you ran out of cold storage and had to use the fridge to store a fresh batch of sheep's blood agar, which your spouse thought was cherry jello and proceeded to eat half a tray of before they realized that it didn't taste of artificial flavoring, and then had to be rushed to ER for an intensive stomach pumping, because you used a bunch of toxic chemicals to make it a more selective medium-- they can even unfairly be deemed 'deadly'.)


An interesting statistic for you: A staggering 85% of all evil scientist's marriages end in divorce.  This includes marriages in which the evil scientist CREATES their spouse.  What does this mean?  It means that collectively we really need to take a look at how we interact with our mates.


To begin, we need to identify some of the biggest stresses on a new marriage.  A good example of this are the holidays.  For example, during the Christmas season your relatives may drop by for a visit.  You can't expect that your spouse will understand that great, great uncle Yosef ripped the front door off the hinges because he still isn't used to his new cyborg body.  Or that your minions probably won't appreciate a gift certificate to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. 


A good way to keep the holiday stress down, is to focus on and celebrate the nonconventional holidays.  Celebrations in which neither one of your established traditions will cause conflict.  One example of a nonconventional Holiday is Superbowl Sunday.  What evil scientist can't get behind a holiday in which two opposing groups use brute  force to determine who will dominate?  You may even be able to fuse your interests with your celebrations in a way which your spouse will agree is appropriate.  A recent breakthrough in evil science has allowed us to produce meat in the laboratory.  It's all about tissue culturing and getting your genetic coding for percent fat to muscle down, but we may be closer than you think to a 'grow-your-own-buffalo-wings' kit.  Just don't get carried away and try and modify your genetic code to produce fanged hamburgers that attack in yet another bid for world domination.  Your spouse will not appreciate this.



Finally, it's been said time and again, but the same old tired addage still applies.  Some days you simply DO have to say 'No more evil plotting', and spend more time with your family.


The 7.5 strangest mysteries in the field of Evil Science...

Posted by Kristen Selleck on January 25, 2011 at 1:21 PM Comments comments (1)

I am supposing that most of you have wonderful normal jobs. You generally don't have to worry about the daily commute to the nearest hollowed out volcano, or your arch nemesis finding embarrasing pictures of you dressed like a kitten, because your mom posted them to your facebook page.


No... and you also don't have to look at a chalkboard above your lab bench which reads: Sucessful World Domination Plots... Me: 0, World: 2, 345.


Not that there aren't perks.  A crisp white lab coat is so impressive that no one cares what you wear under it.  It could be pajamas (it generally is for me.)


Anyhow, a good percentage of an evil scientist's day is spent in research and thinking (watching hulu/eating chips).  And there are a few things that stymy the greatest evil minds out there.  I thought I'd share them with the rest of you:



1.  We have the technology to make flying cars.  So okay, they look more like street legal planes, but whatever--basically, FLYING CARS.  How is it possible that we still can't recreate the Hoverboard from the Back to the Future Movies?


2.  We are currently in the process of cloning and bringing to life a wooly mammoth!  Which is awesome, nothing about this is a bad idea.  They're soooo cute, they have the word 'wooly; in their name for goodness sakes. The mystery?  We were able to sucessfully clone a sheep in 1996-- you would think the logical next step would be extinct prehistoric monsters-- what the hell took so long?


3. Dr. Vladimir Demikhov sucessfully grafted the head of a puppy onto a dog, creating the world's only two-headed dog.  He then preceeded to do this 19 more times.  Couldn't he have changed it up a bit?  Maybe throw a two-headed cat in there, or being an evil scientist, didn't he recognize the value of a two-headed shark?


4. In the 70's, as part of the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligent, we shot something called the Arecibo Message into space.  Losely translated, it reads something like this:
"Hi!  We're intelligent! We're made of meat! Here is where we live!"  Does anything about this seem awkward, or is it just me?


5. Japan now has the highest anount of evil/mad scientists per capita.  Plans are underway for them to build the world's first space elevator.  Which could not only launch ships, it could transport cargo... like building supplies... which is something you would need to build an evil lair on the moon...


6. Why is it that myths like: 'Albert Einstein was a raging Christian', or 'Albert Einstein failed math' persist even being easily disprovable, yet really cool things that sound mythlike and are true, such as: 'before Einstein was cremated, an evil doctor stole his brain and eyes, and we still have them and are studying the brain', is virtually unknown?



7.  And speaking of Einstein... Einstein's peers were some of the most amazing scientific minds ever.  Linus Pauling was perhaps, every bit as brilliant.  Niels Bohr and Einstein debated over quantum mechanics for years, and it looks like Bohr was the one in the right.  Yet we don't sit our kids in front of mind-numbing 'Baby Bohr' learning DVDs or toys.  And we don't have Linus Pauling on a refridgerator magnet.  Is having awesome hair the most important part of being a scientist??


     7.5.  Perhaps one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of all, also pertains to my hero, Einstein. Now, I love him, but the dude cheated on his wife with his cousin (she was both a first cousin on one side and second cousin on the other--don't ask me how that works), and then marries her.  And yet.... and yet, you never hear a single joke about Einstein and 'special relativity'.  Strange.






New Year's Resolutions

Posted by Kristen Selleck on December 28, 2010 at 6:34 AM Comments comments (3)

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. -Mark Twain

 

 

Well, here we are again, the end of another year.  Something about the depressing days following Christmas, when we feel like a balloon with all the air let out, makes us want to do something.  To somehow beat that crappy end-of-year feeling by swearing: Next year's gonna be my year, damnit!  I'm going to do... stuff.  I'm going to get all hot and skinny, and uhhh... quit smoking, and eat green leafy vegetables.  I'm going to go the gym...every freakin day.  I'm going to start looking for a better paying job.  I'm going to go to college.  I'm going to move out of my parents basement.  I'm going to stop paying hookers to- well, you get the point.  Normally, my New Year's resolutions revolve around the things I'm NOT going to do again.  I'm not going to quit smoking... you can got to jail for ripping people's faces off.

However, it appears that even brilliant evil scientists (such as myself) can, on occasion, see certain ways in which they may become even more awesome and all-poweful.  To that effect, I give you:

 

 

KRIS'S 2011 RESOLUTIONS!!!!

1. USE OBSOLETE WORDS LIKE "YOU LOOK MALAGRUGROUS TODAY!" OR "WHAT A JOLLUX THAT DUDE IS!"  ALL THE FREAKING TIME! (and then buy the words with google adsense and when people run to google it, have it come up like "Haaaaa! This is Kris. You were pretending you knew what it meant, but you didn't and I knew you didn't.")

 

2. FIND NEW NEMESIS!!!! (This is really important.  I haven't had a real nemesis since Jimmy, and the gaping hole left by not having an arch rival... well, you do what you can to fill that hole.  Some people drink, some people work out compulsively.  I cry when I'm alone.)

 

3.  SUCKER PUNCH STRANGERS!!!!! (I can't even take credit for this kind of brilliance.  It's another one of Mark Twain's ideas: "If a person offend you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick. That will be sufficient."

4. INVENT EVIL GPS AND SELL IT CHEAP!!!!!(turn left now...NOW!  Car makes left-hand turn into a lake.)

  

5.  TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!! (I know, I know, I make this one every year, but part of being an evil scientist is being defeated over and over and over again,yet never becoming disillusioned.  Think about it.  Take a look at the Legion of Doom.  They were always coming up with new plots to thwart the Superfriends.  Did a single one of those plans ever work?  No.  But did you ever hear Lex Luther or Bizarro say "You know what, let's just stop.  Let's just give up and admit that the Superfriends are always going to win.  I guess I could be an investment banker...")

Have Yourself an EVIL Little Christmas...

Posted by Kristen Selleck on December 9, 2010 at 3:33 AM Comments comments (1)

 

What?  Like you've never seen a Tesla coil Christmas Tree before???



Well, it's that time of year again.  World domination tends to hit a slump in the pre-Christmas weeks.  Most of us evil scientists have a lot of minions to buy for, and even on Black Friday they don't run sales on lab coats, goggles or beakers. 

 

Then there's Christmas Cards.  No, don't get your hopes up. You won't be getting one from me.  I don't get into all that.  I'm just saying...there's Christmas Cards.

Now, in the spirit of giving and Christmas and like helping, and uhhh stuff (cue 1950's sitcom orchestra music), I'm going to help you out with your Christmas shopping, by giving you a list of great gifts for all the people on your list! Are you ready for this?  Here we go:

                                                                                                                                                                                            

1. Minions!  Look, everyone needs minions.  Even if you got minions, you want more minions.  They come in super handy as assistants...scape goats...baby sitters... furniture. They're incredibly versatile.

2. Death Ray! *Hint*  If it's not a TESLA Death Ray... it's not a death ray.  May not be suitable for those under the age of five.

3. For Him: Russian Mail-order Bride!  They come cheap, they look nice, and hey, many of them don't really even speak the language.

4. For Her: Sexy Professors of Pathophysiology and Biochemistry Calender!  Surprisingly, there weren't enough sexy men in Pathophysiology or Biochemistry for them each to have their own calenders.

 

5. Fruitcake!  F*ck off.  I like fruitcake.

 

I hope this helps to destress your last minute holiday shopping.  In case you're wondering what to buy me (vodka)?  You don't have to get me anything (vodka), just havings so many(vodka) great friends out there (vodka), is all the present I need. (vodka?)

Scientists are lazy

Posted by Kristen Selleck on October 26, 2010 at 12:09 PM Comments comments (1)

"Hey Guys!! Guys!! Come 'ere, look what I invented!!!"- Lord Thaddeus Bong, scientist

 

You doubt me?  Tell you what, take yourself on over to google.  Do an image search with the keywords 'famous scientists".  Now go ahead... browse.  Any of them doing anything strenuous?  Any of them doing anything besides sitting?  Or smoking pipes and looking smarter than you?  Have you ever seen a picture of Einstein operating a drill press or even mowing his lawn?

"I give to you relativity, you're damn straight I don't mow lawn...or brush hair." - Einstein, mega-scientist

I am a scientist, so I'll give it to you straight.  While scientists are droning aloud from their paper on the discovery of a mutation in the genome of a fish parasite resulting in a weaker mitochondrial cell wall that blah, blah, blah.  You're actually working.  (In restrospect this may be why legions of evil scientists have spent centuries plotting world domination, yet none have ever seemed to find the time between surfing internet porn and staring at fish flukes to execute those plans. In fact, proving that correlation has 'university funding' written all over it.  I may do a study ...and write a paper on it.)  Just thought you'd like to know.

One last lazy as heck scientist for you:

"I don't even wipe my own...(I put the 'evil' in evil scientist, I warned you.)" -S. Hawking