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The Evil Scientist's Guide to a Relatively Good Marriage

Posted on February 2, 2011 at 8:51 PM Comments comments (0)

"Look, when I said I wanted to spend more time together, I didn't mean that you should move the bed into the lab!"

Let's face it--If there's a marriage with a more difficult adjustment period than a muggle-wizard union, it's the joining together of an evil scientist and a non-evil civilian.

Sure, at first your significant other was probably enamored of your quirks.  He or she found you 'unique' or perhaps 'quaint'.  It's easy to think this.  They had probably never been picked up for a date in a van with a deathray on it before.

And then you tied the knot, and the next thing you know, your 'cute' little habits have become majorly annoying personality flaws.  (Or, like that one time you ran out of cold storage and had to use the fridge to store a fresh batch of sheep's blood agar, which your spouse thought was cherry jello and proceeded to eat half a tray of before they realized that it didn't taste of artificial flavoring, and then had to be rushed to ER for an intensive stomach pumping, because you used a bunch of toxic chemicals to make it a more selective medium-- they can even unfairly be deemed 'deadly'.)

An interesting statistic for you: A staggering 85% of all evil scientist's marriages end in divorce.  This includes marriages in which the evil scientist CREATES their spouse.  What does this mean?  It means that collectively we really need to take a look at how we interact with our mates.

To begin, we need to identify some of the biggest stresses on a new marriage.  A good example of this are the holidays.  For example, during the Christmas season your relatives may drop by for a visit.  You can't expect that your spouse will understand that great, great uncle Yosef ripped the front door off the hinges because he still isn't used to his new cyborg body.  Or that your minions probably won't appreciate a gift certificate to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. 

A good way to keep the holiday stress down, is to focus on and celebrate the nonconventional holidays.  Celebrations in which neither one of your established traditions will cause conflict.  One example of a nonconventional Holiday is Superbowl Sunday.  What evil scientist can't get behind a holiday in which two opposing groups use brute  force to determine who will dominate?  You may even be able to fuse your interests with your celebrations in a way which your spouse will agree is appropriate.  A recent breakthrough in evil science has allowed us to produce meat in the laboratory.  It's all about tissue culturing and getting your genetic coding for percent fat to muscle down, but we may be closer than you think to a 'grow-your-own-buffalo-wings' kit.  Just don't get carried away and try and modify your genetic code to produce fanged hamburgers that attack in yet another bid for world domination.  Your spouse will not appreciate this.

Finally, it's been said time and again, but the same old tired addage still applies.  Some days you simply DO have to say 'No more evil plotting', and spend more time with your family.

Have Yourself an EVIL Little Christmas...

Posted on December 9, 2010 at 3:33 AM Comments comments (1)


What?  Like you've never seen a Tesla coil Christmas Tree before???

Well, it's that time of year again.  World domination tends to hit a slump in the pre-Christmas weeks.  Most of us evil scientists have a lot of minions to buy for, and even on Black Friday they don't run sales on lab coats, goggles or beakers. 


Then there's Christmas Cards.  No, don't get your hopes up. You won't be getting one from me.  I don't get into all that.  I'm just saying...there's Christmas Cards.

Now, in the spirit of giving and Christmas and like helping, and uhhh stuff (cue 1950's sitcom orchestra music), I'm going to help you out with your Christmas shopping, by giving you a list of great gifts for all the people on your list! Are you ready for this?  Here we go:


1. Minions!  Look, everyone needs minions.  Even if you got minions, you want more minions.  They come in super handy as assistants...scape sitters... furniture. They're incredibly versatile.

2. Death Ray! *Hint*  If it's not a TESLA Death Ray... it's not a death ray.  May not be suitable for those under the age of five.

3. For Him: Russian Mail-order Bride!  They come cheap, they look nice, and hey, many of them don't really even speak the language.

4. For Her: Sexy Professors of Pathophysiology and Biochemistry Calender!  Surprisingly, there weren't enough sexy men in Pathophysiology or Biochemistry for them each to have their own calenders.


5. Fruitcake!  F*ck off.  I like fruitcake.


I hope this helps to destress your last minute holiday shopping.  In case you're wondering what to buy me (vodka)?  You don't have to get me anything (vodka), just havings so many(vodka) great friends out there (vodka), is all the present I need. (vodka?)

Another Anniversary Down

Posted on October 14, 2010 at 3:11 AM Comments comments (2)

Well, another October 11th come and gone.  Last year, I spent our anniversary in the hospital giving birth.  At the time, people teased us by saying, "Happy Anniversary, you won't get to spend the day romantically together for another 18 years!"  We thought we had at least one more year, I mean him being so young and all (he doesn't know it's his birthday, we could tell him it's man on the moon day, he probably hears the same thing Charlie Brown does when adults speak.. wah-wah-wah-waah-wa-wah), what does he care if we go out?


So Shad took the day off, I was home as well, and we decided to do a nice lunch together somewhere, just the two of us.  You know, drop the kids of at Grandma's for the day, get some things done around the house, maybe take a walk together, get lunch somewhere where it's not okay to have kids throw their mac 'n' cheese on the floor, etc.  And everything was going according to plan that morning.  Shad had Drake up, was getting him fed, getting him ready for preschool, he came upstairs to wake me up, and heard Liam vomitting in his crib.


Yup.  Liam at one year of age has never had more than a slight cold.  The kid just doesn't get sick, he barely made a fuss when teething.  He's the healthiest kid you ever saw.  We decide to spend a day together (it's been a long, long, time since we've done that) he starts vomiting his brains out.  (Thinking of my parents being affectionate towards each other kind of makes me a little sick to my stomach... but I wouldn't actually vomit.)


So after dropping Drake off, I cleaned up Liam, who had gone through another change of clothes after another round of vomitting, and wound up sitting in the doctors office, with a miserable one-year-old, who couldn't hold down water and was still dry-heaving.  Shad had stayed home in order to do a laundry load of all the puked on bedding and clothes.  And in all the hustle and all the worry over my poor baby, I hadn't even wished the old guy a happy anniversary.


I called him.  He was cleaning, of course.  He asked what the doctor had said.  The doctor said it was nothing. Said that if he still couldn't keep water down after another four hours to take him to the ER.  Thanks... twenty dollars well spent, jackass.  You could at least prod his belly or do something doctorish.


I told Shad I called to wish him a happy anniversary.  He thought that was pretty funny.  But it was a...well, not a 'happy' anniversary per se, but a good one.  We've both got someone we can depend on.  It feels like we have to deal with a lot sometimes, but it's never alone.  No matter if it's a sick kid, or renters who won't pay, or just someone to tell you once in awhile that they love you, no matter how much you pass gas or snore in your sleep.


Liam was holding down water by late afternoon, and a little bit of bread shortly thereafter.  Right in time for Shad and I to go take a tour of another house, and play good cop bad cop with the poor relator ("Okay this is how we'll play this... you be the one who's really interested in the house, and I'll be the one who thinks it's crap.). It's nice to have a partner in crime, and I wouldn't change him (well... maybe he could agree to take Beano before bed, but other than that..).